First it was Pluto. Sitting high on their thrones and draped in the finest linen lab coats, those haughty astronomers maliciously demoted cute, defenseless Pluto from "planet" to "random ball of ice and gas floating in space."
But now? Now they have gone too far. Now...they're messing with my fortune. And I'm about to kick some scientific arse.
Yes, folks, prepare yourself for an identity crisis. According to Minneapolis astronomy instructor Parke Kunkle, the zodiac calendar now has a 13th sign, Ophiuchus (Ooh-FEE-yew-kus...or as I call it, Ophistupid), the serpent bearer. Apparently this is due to a gradual shift of the earth's axis that's been happening over the past 2,000 years, caused by the gravitational pull of the moon (which reminds me, I'm also going to kick some Man on the Moon arse as well).
So now all the zodiac dates have shifted, making this former awesome Gemini now a lame Taurus (no offense to any other Taurus folks out there).
The NEW zodiac calendar now looks like this:
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20
My condolences to anyone with a zodiac tattoo.
Well, I for one am not going to take this lying down (no self-respecting former Gemini would). I plan to be pro-active and completely ignore this new information. I am Gemini! Hear me roar! And then hear my twin roar louder!
And you know what else? I'm promoting Pluto back to its former position as a planet. Go on with your bad self, you adorable tiny planet. Go rotate around that sun with pride, my friend!
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